You never have any money.
Now, ignore this phrase and read on in a state of vehement denial.
Welcome to the financial existence of the flancer.
If Flancerland existed, it would have no capital. That will be only funny if you have just opened your bank statement and are feeling hysterical.
However, now is the perfect time to do some ‘Optimism Sums’!
These consist of the sort of mathematical spin-doctorings that would make Le Chiffre from Casino Royale’s eye bleed and which miraculously make cash appear after a series of complex equations written on the back of an old Tesco receipt.
[PC] – IE (fDD) + MNSR/4 = A (- R)
This, dear work*-free readers is a highly sophisticated algebraic formula that, whomever the flancer might be, will have been applied to their finances at some point. Usually after a big cry.
[Purse contents] MINUS Imagined Expenditure (forgetting all direct debits) PLUS money not spent on a round DIVIDED BY no. of people in the pub = Assets. (Minus Reality.)
Not exactly NASA standard in it’s accuracy but the flancer rejoices that things are not as bad as they seemed and continues to believe in the old Buddhist adage that:
“If the letters OD appear after your account balance but you never open the statement envelope, does it really make a sound?”
‘Right. I can sell my liver on eBay for…seventy quid…and I didn’t buy that bag I liked from topshop.com. And I bought the Value range raspberry jam this afternoon. So I am actually one hundred pounds in the black and therefore needn’t worry about my financial state for another month. Ah Ha! Take that Natwest**!’
The bank however, has other ideas based on the reality of, well, reality. Which is a bit of a spanner in the works for the flancer who is puzzled as to why, after working out that they have only actually spent twenty pounds this month on their fingers on the bus fifteen minutes ago, the hole in the wall won’t put out.
They go storming into the bank before a navy polyester-wearing individual explains why, using a calculator and some proof.
But they didn’t incorporate the back of a Tesco receipt. So it doesn’t count, of course.
*Substitute any of the following words: money, pride, new-clothing, thrifty.
**or whichever organisation looks after the space where your money should be.