No.48: Clean Your Keyboard

Because it’s satisfying.

(Almost as satisfying as seeing the car – that just ran through a puddle on purpose to soak you  – promptly get it’s wing mirror snapped clean off by a passing bus.  That’s like God has just high-fived you, that is.)

Keyboards are like a food diary.  Not the sort of food diary that Gillian McKeith would encourage you submit to her so that, after consulting a real doctor, she could sniffily diagnose what’s up with your colon. Keyboards are a food diary in the sense that they are – nay – contain – a physical microcosm of everything  that you have absent-mindedly put in your mouth whilst staring   at Facebook/work*/in horror at your online bank statement over the last year.

There will be enough toast crumbs therein to facilitate the reassemblage of a complete six-pack of Tesco’s floury baps, should you be so inclined. And being a bored flancer if you weren’t inclined before, you will be now, this blog having  placed the idea of it in your A.D.D – soaked mind.

There will also emerge a piece of dessicated coconut, a currant, some uncooked rice and a rogue toenail. You will be oddly tempted to eat the currant. Maybe even the toenail.

 Dk.zjf.;KJ ?ghidbnk.jDBN kdBJK /haze5;p43ylonaobvlsdfsdfdf  **

 Once whatever lies beneath the keys has been ejected (traditionally executed by inverting the keyboard, shaking it, stopping, cussing, poking about under the sofa to retrieve the ‘SHIFT’ key for half an hour, stopping for a coffee)  it will be laying  in a strangely satisfying  pile on your desk.  At this point you will notice that (a) you appear to eat rather a lot of dessicated coconut and (b) your letter ‘o’ is working again, thanks to the dislodgement of a totally dehydrated peanut.  This means that you can use the word ‘count’ in official and business emails again.

 Now,  you can commence with the satisfying task of scratching off random blobs of hardened unspecified matter with a paperclip; or – for the purist – perhaps a cotton bud moistened with keyboard cleaning fluid.  Or, for the skank, a fingernail.

And to finish? A cheeky Googling session, just to see if any other losers Electronic Hygiene Enthusiasts out there have deliciously cunning ways to get fluff out of a mouse.

For any animal campaigners reading, I mean the ones you attach to your computer with a wire.

Oh christ, you know what I mean.


*yeah right.

**  Sorry – coffee spill.

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One thought on “No.48: Clean Your Keyboard

  1. Fran says:

    Oh yuk. That’s really put me off. Now I’m going to type in rubber gloves.

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